The Scary Monkey Show
by Mr. Smith1991
Summary: Zim kidnaps the star of The Monkey Show. In order to quell the resulting riots, a competition to find a replacement monkey is held. Will the Invader be able to exploit this situation and finally take over the Earth? Probably not. But it should be entertaining, regardless.
1. Chapter 1

It was a sunny, beautiful, Saturday afternoon when our story begins. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and hobos were fighting stray animals over scraps of food in the garbage. All in all, it was a lovely day. Which is why it was such a pity every jerk and his dog currently had their eyes glued to the television instead of frolicking around outside.

Ah, well. The sun makes my skin bubble and smoke. Let's see what everyone is watching, shall we?

A squat, brown primate sat in front of the camera, eyes unblinking and unfocused as it stared off into space in the camera's general direction. There was no sound, save for the occasional buzzing of a fly as it flew too close to the boom mic. It was unnerving, unsettling and un-not-creepy-ing. Suddenly, the silence was broken, a low, gurgling growl could be heard coming from the monkey's abdomen. Something was about to happen, everyone watching at home could feel it in their marrow.

_Phhhbt!_

"Haha! And who could forget that unforgettable moment from season six!" Came the soft, British accent of the announcer as the image froze and pulled back to reveal that the clip had been played from a screen in an interview studio and the prestigious reporter: Alan, to whom the voice had belonged to. "Yes, never a dull moment on the Monkey Show, is there? Of course, as the top-rated show in the world, it should be! Other such hits, such as Everybody Despises Jessie or Bloaty: The Bounty Hunter just cannot compare to the sheer popularity of The Monkey Show! But, how did it all begin, you might ask. Well then, let's take a trip down to the corner of Memory Lane and Nostalgia Boulevard, shall we?!"

The viewers were soon subjected to baby pictures of the monkey in question. Drooling, snotty, disgusting baby pictures. "It all started seventeen years ago when the show's superstar: Rikki The Monkey, was set in front of camera and was broadcast live around the world! The adorable, baby monkey touched the hearts of the people all over the world, much like the heartworms in season eight, and Little Rikki soon found himself forever indentured to the television industry! Much to our great enjoyment, I might add!"

A montage of notable moments in Rikki's life played over Alan's exposition. Photos of Rikki at a fancy restaurant having a date with a female popstar, on stage in a rap battle between Poop Dawg and Baby Barph, and strapped into a spaceship being launched into orbit were star-wiped upon the screen as the host of the show announced: "We will return to The Monkey Show: Behind the Stench, after these messages!"

Yes, everyone loved Rikki the Monkey. Everyone save for three people, one of whom was currently watching the show, much to his displeasure, in a little, green, freakish house on the border of the city and suburbia.

"That... HORRIBLE... Monkey." Zim cursed as he sat upon the enormous couch in the living room of his base, staring at the television screen as the show played the commercials that were the life-blood of the entertainment industry at several decibels higher than the program itself. "How can anyone possibly ENJOY this... FILTH!"

Sitting beside the Irken on the couch were three individuals that did indeed enjoy aforementioned filth, as evident from the absurd amount of Monkey Show merchandise they were currently wearing.

"I love this show!" GIR stated, waving a giant, novelty, foam finger declaring his love for Rikki the Monkey and wearing a t-shirt with the words: _You Da Monkey! _as he sat amongst his monkey-loving peers. "Sooooooo MUCH!"

Minimoose, who had his antlers poking out of the sleeves of a t-shirt that had a stylized stencil of Rikki the Monkey with the word _Poop_ below it, gave a squeak of agreement with his bionic brother.

"Gee, Zim..." Began Skoodge, whom was wearing a t-shirt over his uniform with the words: _Rikki the Monkey ROCKS! _upon it. "It's not THAT bad! Hey, guys... remember... remember the episode when..."

The portly Irken was unable to finish whatever he was saying as recalling the memory caused him to have a laughing fit. Zim sighed, shaking his head in disgust at his underlings' entertainment choice as he snatched up the remote. He changed the channel to an action/drama where Bloaty the Pizza Hog was chasing a parking-violation multiple-offender, who had run out on bail, in a circle from the back of a rascal scooter, every-so-often firing a pig-shaped beanbag full of buckshot from his sawed-off shotgun at the fugitive. "UGH! Bloaty getting too old for this! Ugh..."

GIR started to hyperventilate, wailing and babbling incoherently as he flailed about in a panicked tantrum, fearing that any moment the commercial break would end on the other channel without they knowing it, causing them to miss precious seconds of the documentary. Zim could only take so much of his minion's fits before giving in.

"Err! FINE!" The Irken growled, shoving the remote into Skoodge's midsection before hopping off of the couch to storm off to the kitchen to get himself a snack. "It's a rerun, anyway!"

The fat, retired Invader gave a grunt as he pulled the remote out of his gut and switched the channel back to the documentary, just as Bloaty had run the fleeing bounty over with a sickening crunch.

"-And now, let us hear from some viewers whose lives were touched by Rikki's filthy, greasy monkeypaws!" Alan announced as a clip from an earlier interview with a typical, American family played.

"Oh, we just LOVE The Monkey Show!" The wife exclaimed as one of her children ate a big, heaping handful of dirt.

"Why, it's the only thing keeping our soulcrushing, loveless marriage together!" The husband said, giving an enormous smile to the camera whilst one of his kids hit the other with a crowbar.

A clip from another interview was then played, this one from a Pediatric Ward where a sickly child was laying in a hospital bed, surrounded by I.V. drips and monitoring equipment. At his side was Poop Dawg, who had been sent by the Poop Cola Corporation to peddle the sweetened, carbonated, heavily-treated sewage-water to the ill children, much to his great sorrow.

"The Doctors say The Monkey Show is the only thing keeping me alive!" The sick child said, coughing feebly and causing Poop Dawg to shed a tear and look away as he presented the dying boy with a gift basket of Poop Cola.

Another clip was played, this time from an average, suburban neighborhood where a gray-skinned man in an orange prison-jumpsuit and a hockey mask stood in front of his well-maintained house and spoke to the camera. "Why, watching Rikki the Monkey everyday is the only thing keeping me a respectable member of society! Mornin', Frank!"

The show returned to Alan in the studio, where he was probably saying something poignant on the subject. Whatever it was we shall never know, as Zim's maniacal laughter overwhelmed the T.V.'s volume as the interviews had given the evil alien an idea most wicked. Of course, Zim then made the mistake of trying to eat a handful of gummy badgers whilst cackling and promptly began to choke. Skoodge and GIR played a quick game of Rock, Paper, Scissors to decide who would help dislodge the gummy snack from the Invader's windpipe.

* * *

Later that night, the Invader put his new, devious scheme into effect. Breaking into the Television Studio and kidnapping someone from the premises had been pathetically easy. The Men's Room Door of Zim's base burst open as the Irken strode in victoriously, followed closely by his faithful, malfunctioning SIR (Well, not technically a SIR.) Unit carrying a large, squirming, burlap sack. Both of them were wearing ski-masks.

"TOO easy!" Zim exclaimed as he pulled off his mask, turning back to his henchbot. "Release the prisoner from his sack, GIR! He has nowhere to run!"

The Irken cackled with malefic glee as the annoying android upturned the sack, releasing it's captive onto the floor of the base. Zim's laughter was cut short, however, when what flopped out of the sack turned out not to be the intended prisoner but a mere teenage stagehand that GIR had snatched up by mistake.

"What is this?! Who are you?! WHY IS THERE A PICTURE OF A MONKEY ON THE WALL?!" The panicked adolescent screamed as he sat upon his knees in the middle of the living room.

The Irken growled at his minion's incompetence. "GIR! This is the wrong one!"

"But dis one has PIMPLES! I WANNA POP HIS HEAD!" GIR giggled, pinching the air with glee.

Zim slapped his palm to his forehead, sighing and pulling his mask down as he headed back out the door. "Back to the studio, then. GIR, dispose of the stageslave!"

"YES, SIR!" The robot saluted, duty mode briefly activated as he twisted the stagehand's head around one-hundred-and-eighty degrees with a quick, sickening crack.

"... I'm okay." The stagehand wheezed after falling flat on where his face should have been. GIR dragged the now-paralyzed teen out the front door and deposited him face-first into a garbage can before giggling and skipping happily after his master.

* * *

One brief trip back to the studio and a short stop at the corner store later, the Invader and his robot henchman returned home with a squirming burlap sack, yet again.

"Take TWO!" Zim exclaimed, pulling off his mask and placing a plastic bag with a carton of milk in it on the floor whilst his android minion stood the sack up. "Open the sack, GIR."

"What's in the sack?! WHAT'S IN THE SACK?!" The android screeched.

"GIR, you were there when-"

"WHAT'S IN THE SACK?!"

"GIR, you know what's in the-"

"AH, MAN! WHAT'S IN THE SACK?!"

"GIR!" Zim sighed, concluding that this conversation was going nowhere fast, he decided to simply open the sack, himself. The brown burlap fell to the floor to reveal Rikki the Monkey, standing in all his stinking, primate glory. "BEHOLD!"

"Aww! You shouldn't have!" GIR giggled, hugging the side of smelly monkey standing perfectly still. "I'mma call 'em PEANUT!"

"No, GIR." The Invader scolded. "This is Rikki, remember? We kidnapped him from the studio to destabilize humanity by depriving them of his hideous, simian image! Remember?"

"An' den whuh happened?"

Zim just rolled his eyes at his absent-minded minion before turning his attention to the motionless monkey and began wringing his hands with malice. "Yesss... soon the humans will discover their precious stink-beast is missing! And then it's only a matter of time until the resulting chaos caused by the deprived monkey-junkies turns this planet ripe for conquest! RIPE, I SAY! As ripe as this monkey, whew!"

The Invader waved a hand in front of his face, trying to fan away the horrific stench emanating from the kidnapped monkey. It was at this moment that Skoodge exited the kitchen, noticing the return of his friend.

"Heh-hey! You're back! Did you get the milk I- AHHHHHHHH!" The portly Irken screamed in terror as the normally motionless Rikki suddenly sprung to life, screeching as he pounced upon the retired Invader and began to maim him with the savage might of ten titanium gorillas.

"AHHHH! HELP! HELP ME! IT WANTS MY BLOODMEATS! AHHHHHHH!" Skoodge screamed as Zim and GIR just watched in awe as the monkey attacked their fat friend.

GIR smiled. "I love this show."


	2. Chapter 2

It was early Sunday morning when Rikki the Monkey finally grew weary of maiming Skoodge and had returned to his usual, peaceful, catatonic state, allowing the fat Irken to crawl away to the medlab. The primate now sat upon the couch, staring blankly at the television much like the rest of the Earth's population. Sitting next to the stinking monkey on the couch sat the stinking robot known as GIR, who simply could not be happier with his new couch potato comrade. The annoying android smiled dumbly at the monkey seated next to him.

"We're gonna be friiieeends..." GIR leaned eerily close to his new companion as he spoke. The monkey in question just continued to stare blankly ahead as flies buzzed idly around his lumpy cranium. Satisfied that their new friendship had congealed like a great, giant jello, GIR sat upright and changed the channel.

"Yeeeew gon' like dis show, Peanut! It got'sa MONKEY INNIT!" The show the robot was referring to, of course, was the very same show which he had just the previous night helped to kidnap the star of and was now put on hiatus until further notice. This came as a shock to GIR, whom was unaware that kidnapping the star of a show would be detrimental to it's production and was even further unaware that he was in anyway responsible for said detrimentality, and caused the robot quite a bit of distress. Summoning what little self-respect he possessed, the determined automaton confronted this development with dignity and grace.

Then proceeded to screech as loud as he could towards the heavens.

"**WHHHHHHHY?!**" He exclaimed before grabbing Rikki the Monkey by the head and screeching in his smooshed monkey-face. "WHY?!"

The Robot proceeded to wail like a howler monkey giving birth to triplets as he devolved into a sobbing heap upon the living room floor. Deep below the house, Zim rubbed his chin as he watched his metal minion's antics upon a viewscreen in his lab.

"GIR seems to have taken the news rather well." The Invader commented as he switched the video feed to a view of the city, where the contents of a metaphorical sewage truck had met the proverbial windtunnel. An angry mob ran riot through the streets, screaming and shouting, looting and pillaging, and ironically acting very much in general like a pack of monkeys. One monkey had gone missing and it had thrown the world into chaos. Zim could not have been any happier.

"Ah, isn't it wonderful, Skoodge?" The Invader sighed, dreamily. "Human society is collapsing, things are blowing up, filthy stink-people are getting horrifically injured! Ah, what a glorious day, Skoodge! Skoodge?"

Zim turned to the portly Irken standing beside him to find that his fat friend seemed a bit out of sorts. Specifically, his body was shaking, his eyes and antenna were twitching and he was foaming at the mouth. The Invader waved his hand and snapped his fingers in front of Skoodge's face with no response for a few moments before smacking himself on the head in realization.

"D'ohoho! I forgot about the hideous brain disease you just caught! Haha! Ahh, silly me. Silly Z-I-I-I-M!" Zim chuckled as he drew a serum out of a bottle with a syringe and began tapping the needle. Satisfied that he had gotten rid of the air bubbles, the Invader grabbed his fat friend's arm, examining it closely. "Worry not, Skoodge! This should have you up and back to your non-productive self in no-time!"

Zim then proceeded to stab the enormous needle right into the back of Skoodge's skull like the shank of a trans-dimensional hobo before slamming his palm down upon the plunger and injecting the serum directly into the fat Irken's brain.

"NNNGH!" Skoodge exclaimed, arms flailing and eyes bulging out of his head like ruby-colored bratwurst on the verge of exploding as the retired Invader's brainmeats were displaced by the injected fluid. Zim removed the syringe and his portly underling fell face-first to the floor, groaning and writhing. The Invader gave Skoodge a swift kick to his flabby side before speaking.

"C'mon, break's over! Let's go watch T.V.!"

A few minutes later they exited the elevator in the kitchen to find GIR laying upon his back, weeping pitifully with his head in the oven. Zim sighed at his minion's attempted self-destruction (the stove being electric and GIR not needing to breathe, it wouldn't have gone far), before rapping his knuckles upon the stove.

"GIR! Let's go watch the human destroy themselves!"

A dinging noise could be heard as the android sat up straight, a smile now on his face and the top of an enormous, freshly-baked muffin spouting from the top of his head like a smooshed afro. "OKIE-DOKEY!"

And so, Zim, GIR and Rikki the Monkey all sat together on the couch, Skoodge peaking nervously out from beyond the kitchen archway, and watched as the news as the world destroyed itself. The Invader laughed maniacally, knowing that his long mission upon the planet Earth was finally done. He had won, civilization was crumbling like a dry cookie all around and he couldn't be happier.

THE END.

* * *

"I believe I have a solution to this monkey situation!"

Oops! Jumped the gun, there.

Professor Membrane stood upon a podium in front of the Membrane Laboratories, an enormous plexiglass dome protecting the facility from the chaos and the riots happening throughout the rest of the city, addressing the people of Earth through televised broadcast. "At the request of the Presidentman himself to intervene in this HORRENDOUS TRAGEDY, I: Professor Membrane, have begun the process of CLONING RIKKI THE MONKEY!"

As you can imagine, this announcement instantly ground Zim's maniacal laughter to a screeching halt. The Invader stared slack-jawed at the television as the World's Greatest Scientist explained the cloning process to the audience, along with all the AMAZING biological and cybernetic augmentations that he planned on giving what he called Project: MEGAMONKEY.

"No... No! NOOOOOOOO!" Zim exclaimed as he side off the couch, falling to his knees and holding his fists up to the heavens. "**WHHHHHHHHHHY?!**"

"Jeez." GIR said, feeling embarrassed at his master's reaction, in one of his rare lucid moments.

As the Invader hung his head and pounded his fists upon the floor in furious desperation, one of the audience members asked a very important question. "So, how long until Mega-Rikki is ready?"

"Hm..." Professor Membrane rubbed his collar-covered chin in thought, doing a quick estimation in his head. "Given the nature of the EXTREMELY DANGEROUS AND EXPERIMENTAL fusion reactor we plan on attaching to his head... I would say about a month! But, fear not! I have informed the network executives of this brief waiting period, and they have decided to seek out a replacement monkey through an ENORMOUS, TELEVISED EVENT to fill the monkey-shaped hole left by Rikki the Monkey until Project: MEGAMONKEY is complete!"

"Wait... there's still hope!" Zim said, lifting his head up and wringing his gloved hands together menacingly. "Yesss... If I were to equip the temporary replacement monkey with a powerful hypnotism device it would broadcast to every television in the world! Which means for one month, I would have complete control over the humans! Think of all the filthy evil I could accomplish controlling all of humanity for a month!"

The Invader cackled with glee as he imagined himself sitting upon a throne, presiding over a gigantic colosseum of DOOM as a human was hypnotically forced to eat live bees in his boxer shorts for Zim's amusement.

"MUHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! Yesss... So very evil..." The Invader composed himself, folding his arms across his chest. "Now... we will need a monkey..."

An evil grin grew upon the Irken's face as he turned towards his robotic minion, whom was currently breaking off and eating bits of his muffin afro. "... and I think I know just the monkey."


	3. Chapter 3

Despite the announcement that a replacement monkey was on it's way, the riots had not yet died down and had continued to spread out to the suburbs. It's to one of these neighborhoods our story now takes us as a demonic creature of hatred and malice in the shape of a plum-haired, little girl exited her house to fetch the paper. The she-beast grunted in annoyance as the angry mob stormed down the street, like a parade celebrating torches and pitchforks, while rotting fruits and vegetables along with various flaming debris were thrown about the block as if it were going out of style. After snatching the paper off the lawn, Gaz headed back into the house, pausing at the door as she looked back at a garbage can filled with a burning, paralyzed stagehand (he's still okay, honest!) landed right in the spot were she had bent over to pick up the paper just moments before. The Doom-Child rolled her eyes and slammed the door behind her, returning to the kitchen where her brother was cheerfully munching on a toaster pastry (Pooptarts!) for breakfast.

"Still crazy out there?" Dib inquired as if the riots and chaos was nothing more than a bit of unfavorable weather.

Little Miss Demon-Seed groaned as she sat down at the table, unfolding the paper and picking up her own breakfast Pooptart. "It's not even Monday, yet!"

"Can you pass me the funny pages?" The big-headed boy inquired shortly before a crumpled up ball of newspaper hit him in the forehead. He unfolded the crumpled up page and frowned. "Gaz, these are the obituaries."

"Same thing." She said as she bit into the cheap, chocolate-filled cardboard that was her breakfast.

Dib was about to comment on his sister's sociopathic disposition, which probably would have earned him his usual, morning beating, when the doorbell sounded. "Hey, Gaz. Can you get-"

One of the Doom-Child's eyes shot wide open to affix her brother with a glare, smoke rising from her pinpointed pupil as the rage radiated off of her, causing the filling to boil out of the back end of her toaster pastry.

"... I'll get it." Dib squeaked as he quickly slid out of his chair and exited the kitchen, leaving his terrifying sister to her breakfast. "Wonder who it could be?"

The big-headed boy's inquiry was soon answered when he opened the front door to behold Zim, a grin plastered upon his green face that was usually the copyright of used-car salesmen.

"Diiiiiib-smell!" The Irken began as if the two of them were old friends. "How would you like to put on this stinking, rancid, monkey-costume and pretend to be a monkey for the mighty ZIM!"

"... No." Dib said, slightly stunned and confused. "No. No. NO. Never... EVER. No."

Five minutes later, the big-headed boy stood in the doorway, wearing the aforementioned smelly, sweaty monkey-costume. The Irken Invader grinning wickedly and tapping his fingers together.

"The answer is STILL no, Zim!" Dib said, pulling off the primate disguise and throwing the foul-smelling outfit right into the Irken's face.

Zim growled, pulling the stinking, slightly sticky cloth from his face. "Come on! What about all those times ZIM has helped you, huh?!"

"Like when?!" The big-headed boy crossed his arms.

Zim rubbed his chin. When HAD he ever done anything that benefited the Dib-worm?"Uh... like the time I... cured your sister's FIGMOUTH!"

"PIGmouth. And _**I**_ did that! When I asked you for help you laughed in my face and had your gnomes beat me up!"

"Err... alright. What about that time I recovered your stolen kidney?" The Irken clearly remembered doing that one.

"It was my lung and YOU were the one who stole it!"

"Phhbt! I gave it BACK..."

"You vomited it up in the Skool Dumpster!"

"Okay... well... How about the time I... helped you... fulfill your LIFETIME DREAM of BEEKEEPING!" Zim grinned in triumph. Surely he had Dib there.

"You filled my locker full of mutant hornets! I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL FOR A WEEK!" The big-headed boy shouted in indignation. "Get out!"

"... So, is that a yes or no on the monkey thing?" The Irken asked shortly before Dib slammed the door in his face. "... Okay... I'll just... leave the monkey-suit here... 'case you change your mind!"

Zim stuffed the smelly, monkey costume through the door's mail slot before heading back towards the sidewalk where GIR stood, smiling his usual, dumb smile at his master.

"Soooo! How'd it goooooooo?!"

"Eh, he'll come around..." The Irken shrugged before putting his hands on his hips and striking a serious pose. "But, in a meantime, GIR! We still need a monkey! So, I guess it's time for Plan B! Bring me the HOBO!"

"HE GOTZ EATEN BY A GIANT RAT!"

"Did he? Ah, well. Plan C, then. GIR, you'll have to be the monkey."

* * *

Dib could swear he heard a loud, high-pitched squeal of happiness coming from somewhere as he returned to his now-cold, half-eaten breakfast. Gaz had finished her Pooptart and was now watching the morning news at the kitchen table.

"So, who was it?" The Doom-Child asked, not really caring.

"Zim. He wanted me to pretend to be a stupid monkey for some reason."

His sibling scoffed. "Pretend?"

Dib was about to give a witty riposte to his sister's remark (It wouldn't have been, really.) when something on the television caught his attention.

_"... this surveillance footage of the culprits that was captured during the kidnapping remains the only clue in the ongoing search for Rikki the Monkey!"_

The following footage showed Zim and GIR wearing their ski-masks in the darkened television studio while Rikki the Monkey sat with his head sticking out of a burlap sack. The Irken appeared to be celebrating his triumph with a bit of a victory dance as the robot laid down a beat.

_"Ba-BOOM-pish! Boom-ba-boom-pish! Ba-BOOM-pish! Boom-ba-boom-dooyet-dooyet! Ump-chikka-ump-chikka-ump-chikka-UMP! Ump-chikka-ump-chikka-ump-chikka-dooyet-dooyet!"_

"ZIM!" Dib exclaimed as he watched the masked Irken on the television tuck his legs against his body and spin skillfully upon his Pak.

_"If you, anyone you know or anyone you DON'T know has any information on the whereabouts of Rikki the Monkey or any of these dancing culprits, please call this number! Do it! Don't think about it! JUST DO IT!"_

"When did he learn to dance like that, anyway?" Gaz asked no one in particular as her big-headed brother quickly dialed the on-screen number.

"Yes, hello? Listen to me! I have information about the whereabouts of Rikki the Monkey! Now, this is going to sound a little crazy... but, he's been abducted by aliens and- Yes, this is Dib. I-" The big-headed boy pulled the phone away from his ear as the person on the other end of the line hung up the phone rather violently and the resulting dial tone came over several volumes louder than it should have been just to spite him.

_"In the meanwhile! The search continues for the world next, new primate star! Monkey and chimp collectors are encouraged to enter their monkeys in the competition for the chance to fill in for Rikki the Monkey during his absence! The winner will receive a cash prize in exchange for the indentured servitude of their monkey's soul!"_

"Waitaminute! THAT'S why Zim needed a monkey! He probably wants to broadcast some kind of hideous, hypnotic message to the masses through that stupid show so that he can turn them all into drooling morons!" Dib exclaimed as he stood upon the table, shaking his fist at the heavens.

"Isn't that what it was doing, already?" Gaz said, beginning to flip through the channels for something better (and possibly pig-related) to watch.

"I have to stop him!" The big-headed boy exclaimed, turning around to face the front door. "... And I think I know just how!"

Hopping down from the table, Dib rushed over to the mail-slot where the smelly, monkey costume was beginning to attract flies. He grimaced as he pulled the stinking suit from the door as he assured himself. "It's the ONLY way... well, I guess there are probably others. But, I can't think of any! And time is of the essence! It's time to either be a man... or a monkey!"

"BE QUIET! Bloaty's about to roadhaul someone!"


End file.
